City of Long Beach, I now find you guilty 4 the crime of Bullshitting in the Court of Life!



Whilst roaming thru my new corridors of Long Beach where I now reside, I've come upon a lot of bullshit that has me questioning some of the foolery running through the minds of some imbeciles.

Bullshit Exhibit A

For instance, I swear every cotton-picking day is street sweeping day in the LBC! WTF for? The streets still look like shit. Yet, they never fail to ticket the residence every chance they get. I don't understand why this is so when the parking here in NON-EXISTENT! And did I mention, the streets still look a hot mess even when I move my car? What the hell are they doing when my car isn't in the lucky spot I found, blowing the crap down the street? One day, I decided to actually watch for the assholes that issue tickets on DAILY basis and watch for the fools that 'clean the streets'. Tues, Wed, Thurs and Friday I saw NOT one bullshit cleaning truck sweeping not ONE Avenue! Don't that just beat all? And talk about mahyem, they have a nerve to post this mess-------->

Who the hell is sweeping a street at 4am? No one obviously! I've even rushed outside to move my car one day before the traffic cops ticketed my car just to notice that I was too late, but wait, it was 8:20 in the AM and I didn't have a ticket on my car! Wahoo! I beat the damn system somehow. I skipped on down to the local Von's to acquire things for my victory breakfast and just what did I see? Bullshit exhibit B:

Is this mofo sleeping on the damn job? Yes Sir, I do believe he is? I don't understand it, I don't understand it! But wait, this could help me out later in court when I fight 1 of these bogus tickets. I was issued a ticket one day at 8:37 AM which was well after the street sweeping hours. I bet you it was this creep! *saves picture in incriminating evidence file* Do you know how many people would love to have his job or any damn job right now? He obviously doesn't appeciate it or is it not challenging enough for him? And might I add they clean the same street on two separate days? Holy crap! Why can't they clean the whole street in one day? Hell they have 4 freaking hours to damn do it!

 

Bullshit Arena #2

Who on earth harasses HOMELESS people? The Dirtbag City of Long Beach, that's who! My Coffee Caliente Compadre "Scott the Snot" just informed me that he saw one of the Long Beach Flashlight Cops harassing a poor lil homeless woman up the street. What the hell was the flashlight cop doing bantering this poor woman who was minding her own business behind her very own fire hydrant? Then his or her ass had the audacity to talk shit on the walkie-talkie. I mean WTH hell were they doing, calling for backup? *smdh*

A couple of days ago as I was walking down 6th, I looked up from my text (shut up, there is no walking and texting law...yet), just to find a full on swat team cocked and ready for another homeless dude!You don't see the homeless dude huh? HE'S BEHIND A DUMPSTER yelling "I'm tired of it all!"  *insert blank stare* Now where were these assholes when my car was broken into while the thief fled the scene? Nowhere to be gatdern found! They told me that they weren't coming out for a burglarized car when they have real crime to fight. Since when did being a homeless man residing behind a dumpster become a real crime? Please enlighten me because I am at a loss for words. The other day, I witness a doughnut eater citing a homeless man for not having identification. *crickets chrip*. WTF does he need ID for, to write a rent check? After a myriad of citations what will become of poor lil Homeless Harry? Are you gonna throw him in jail Long Beach? So not only are you wasting tax payer's dollars by paying sleeping on-the-job parking attendants but you're also flushing our money down the toilet by jailing "Harry". What gives? What say you, Long Beach? Hmph, I guess they have to find the funds somewhere to pay for the $20, 000 Capitol Bear that jerk-wad of a governor purchased for the state of Cali. And speaking of jerk-wad....

 

Bullshit Exhibit C

Only the state of damn California would nominate and vote an 'actor' into political office AND one, I might add, was not born on American soil and can't pronounce the name of the state in which he'll be sitting. I am too mad about this. He can't even ACT like a governor! Shit like this really makes my ass itch beyond recognition. Get it togetha Cali!

 

And Long Beach, what the hell is up with this 24 minute parking only shananigan? Who the hell goes anywhere for only 24 minutes and mind you in the beach area? Hell, I take more than 24 minutes to go to the damn bathroom! *sighs* So much Bullshit, So little time to cover it all but you get the gist of my rants.

With this plethora of citations in tow, I can only come to the conclusion of sentencing you, Long Beach, to 5 years in hell for the poppycock you continue to pull. Your drivel antics have shown me that you have low to no regard for the wonderful people that keep you up and running ridiculously. I now throw the damn book at you in hopes that you get your shit togetha expeditiously. I suggest you move with some sense of urgency for I am the Judge and the Godamn Jury since I pay taxes! Get thee the hell outta my face BITCHES!

 

//signed//

The Judicial Cat's Meow

You May Beg My Pardon!

Why must one test the Queen's gangsta on a daily basis? Don't try and answer that. You may hurt yourself. Here I am minding my own business when the Diva-phone rings with such pizazz. It was one of my professors and by the way my phone rang, I know there must be foolishness in the gatdamn musty air. It wasn't long until I had her to cut to the chase after much useless and boring small talk. The convo went as follows:

Professor: Your last paper was great, E. I didn't think you wrote it at first. I tried to find plagiarism but I was wrong. I didn't know you had it in you. Pardon me and I apologize.

Me:  Excuse you. Contrary to your belief but I may speak ebonics & act a fool in class & I may even cuss out a classmate or two on any given day but I am greatly aware of proper English etiquette, I'm very well versed, write exceptionally well and am highly intelligent. Knowledge & intellect sits in this perfectly rounded bald head, talent lies in my eyes and my lips aint just for decoration Honey, wisdom spews from them so don’t get it twisted. Yeah you’re right, PARDON YOU BISH and dat's MISS E to YOU!

I wonder if her ass is still vibing with  the operator.

*in my operator voice* If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and don't try that bullshit again!

//signed//
The Intellectual, Well versed and Cussing Cat's Meow

FREQUENT UPDATES...Alright already!

Ok so I was approached earlier in the week, choked & gagged and forced to update this site constantly! WTF? I didn't know I had readers like that. U R NOT the boss of me Val!!!!!!

Ok so I am doing as instructed for now but only cuz u 'be' boxing folks!

So peeps, a lot has happened in the previous weeks, actually months but I've just been holding out on some things. I've decided to start my own Web-based bakery in hopes of bring culinary skillz to the public. I mean really, a lil black girl from down 'Souf', that's flamboyant, diva-fied and luvs to eat...where can you go wrong right? RIGHT! Let's see what else....oh ooh ooh yall have got to see my LOGO! No not the Gay Channel but my LOGO for my business, Dainty Treasures! I am so excited but I will not reveal it just yet. U hafta wait! hahahaharharhar *evil grins* More to come on Dainty Treasures. I'm going world-fucking-wide! I CAN NOT WAIT!

Let's see...oh oh oh oh...I've shaved my head yet AGAIN! BAM! Yeah I know, if U know me U know that I am constantly changing & constantly evolving...especially my hair! It's been skunked, half shaved, mohawked, long N front and slicked in back...u name it, I've done it. I actually started shaving my head yeeeaaarrrrsss ago. So, NO, Amber Rose DID NOT bring this N2 fruition & she did NOT rock it 1st. Ya gurl (dats me) DID. @ least I'd like to think so. I know I rocked it long before her ass! BALD BITCHES UNITE!   

What else has transpired? OH YEAH, I've joined the cast of "The Beautiful World" showing here in Los Angeles, well, more like North Hollywood. It's a children's theater show. Now who in the hell in their right  mind would cast my ass in a children's show?! U guessed it, someone NOT in their right mind! lmmfao! Po Lil Tink-Tink! Yall know I loves the kids.

I've started out the year with a couple of auditions too. That's a first! What the hell is up with Hollywood and the no-talent personalities they are adopting today? Damn does a bish need 2 bleach her skin, throw on a weave, get but shots & more tits (or lose ass and tits depending on the audience) & suck a couple of directors off to get a damn gig in this piece? Grrrr.........It seems that I'ma hafta bake my way N2 Hollyweird if it's the last shit I do!!!!

Love Freely

Don't attempt 2 luv harder or better. Just do it  &  do so freely. Love


falls N2 its rightful place @ its rightful time e'rytime.

Elvada Seleithia

HI HO, HI HO, IT'S OFF 2 BAKE I GO

Hello all in Diva-Divaland!!

            I've been approached so many times about how to bake this & how to cook that or how to fry this & how to broil that that I've decided 2 letchall in on my lil cooking secret society. Yeah, I know, I normally don't share recipes with anyone, not even my mother but I figured, "Why not let my peasants in on a lil secret or 2?" No, I will not post any recipes here. They will be posted in a pink bounded notebook, sealed with a kiss and little pink bows. Yep! You've guessed it. Ya Queen is doing a cookbook! Oh don't be silly, of course you don't get it for free. You gotta pay for my hardwork, sweat, tears, and stiletto stomping goodness Huns! I'll have everything your lil hearts desire such as desserts and quickies (as in meals....yall so nasty), to salads & breads. Being that this is my first cookbook, don't expect it to be an all out 300 page fiasco. Dang a bish is new at this! But I assure you that it will be a page turner, no doubt. The great thing about it is, the ones close to me with think it's a hoot b/c ya know my personality will seap thru the chicken and chilli! I can't wait. Man, there is so much work to do in so little time. Research'n, cook'n, research'n, cook'n, finding funding, cooking, tasting and sipping. Oh boy! Now yall can always help ya girl out ya know? If you know of anyone who'd like to invest in this Diva-tastic Goodness, gimme me a holler! I'll be sure to keep ya posted on my journey. Now to go hang a lip on some chicken N' Dumplings!

//signed//
The Ever-tasting Cat's Meow

EVENT UPDATE: The Battle is Not Yours (Stageplay)

You asked for it so here it is: 21 Nov I will be hitting the stage (or something like it) in the role of Sister Williams in the stageplay "The Battle Is Not Yours". Catch me acting a fool at 5840 La Tijera Blvd in Ladera Heights, CA. Don't be alarmed and afraid b/c it's in a church. *drinks holy water* Come to be entertained and talk 2 the "Man Upstairs" if u haven't in a while. One stop shop!

See ya there!

//signed//
The Ever-busy Cat's Meow

Elvada-Seleithia Empress Dominique Devereaux

Growing up in the early 80's as a young Diva-in-Training in Atlanta, my mother was an avid stan of Dynasty. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand all the commotion and ruckus over a rich, white man, his mullet-wearing wife and his bitch of a sister Alexis. I started to watch it with her with very little understanding of a lot of what was going on until She arrived. Dominique Deveraux! The rich, black and elegant looking, mink wearing, no non-sense, kickass DIVA! I soooo thought I looked like her. I was so happy to see a classy sistah on TV. I was so elated. Because of her, I had officially became a stan of Dynasty and The Colby's. One day my teacher called my mother and wanted to know if my mother had re-married or divorced. My mother said, "No" and wanted to know why my favorite teacher (Gwendolyn Hamilton) had asked her such a thing. My momsy was appalled. "Well, Mrs. Woods, I asked because for the past two weeks 'E' has been signing her last name as Deveraux." "What on earth for?", my mother asked. "I thought you could tell me", sayeth Ms Hamilton. Moms told her she would talk to me about it and get back with her. A couple of hours later, the little diva U know as Empress comes prancing into the french doors of the kitchen like I had a million bucks in the bank. My mother asked the normal day-to-day questions like how was my day and all that and then she got to the real deal. She told me my teacher called her today. And me with my hand on my chest like a true Diva says, "Really? What for?"

Mom: Why are you signing your last name Deveraux?

Empress: Cuz my mother's last name is Deveraux.

Mom: Young lady, my last name is Woods!

Empress: You are not my mother Dominique Deveraux is and she's coming to get me when she's done with Blake Carrington (as I pointed to my suitcase already packed for damn near two weeks sitting by the door).

Mom: Is that what that is?

Empress: Yup

Mom: What? You don't want me to be your mother? I had you!

Empress: No, Dominique Deveraux had me and she'll be here when she beats up Alexis.

Mom: Girl stop your foolishness before I go upside your head! That is NOT your mother.

By this time I was frustrated and was crying out of control. My mom sat down, dried my tears and explained to me where I really came from. We settled on her truth and I was ok...so she thinks.

Yes my friends, this marks the beginnings of this Diva.

And this my friends, is a true story



Whatever! My name is Elvada-Seleithia Empress Deveraux. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Hmph...she don't Know me like dat!

//signed//
The Cat's Meow
.