We Are Not In Kansas Cowardly Lion

     You know what I hate? Yeah, I know what you are saying, "Bish you always hate something!" And your point would be? Don't answer that. I could care less at this point.

Anywho, I hate when people, specifically a male, try to gather information about me by asking me questions in a bish ass way! I hate that! A few days shy of moving into my new domicile, I finally run into one of my neighbors. We talked about his line of work and how he goes back and forth to Iraq for months on end as a contractor. Now, I have already heard about this dude from the previous tenant who just happens to be a friend of mine so I knew the drill. He looked at me all intense as if he was trying to read me. Impossible Boo! Anyway, he proceeded to tell me the happenings in the area and without skipping a beat, his ass asks, "So you live there with your man?" Him don't know me too well do he? *in my Tweety Bird voice* LOL I continued on with, "I have friends in Iraq right now. Some have been there for a while, some fairly new there and a few are coming back soon." He then goes on to say how small the apartments are and how women usually live here with their boyfriends. "What does your boyfriend do?" I deviated to the other neighbor standing next to me and complimented her hair.

Fast forward....

"If I only had the nerve"

The neighbor from earlier, we'll just say his name is Bob though his name sounds like URINE, decided he would walk me up the street to the local market to show me where the good deals are. He got a new phone, asked me my opinion of it, told me some of his business and yada yada yada. On our way back to MY QUEENDOM, he goes, "So I guess your man is trusting. He let you go to the store with me." I say, "Funny. I don't recall discussing a male counterpart with you." He says that he asked if I lived there with my man and I said yes. Now I knew which alley this cat was headed so I betta stop him dead in his tracks before he winds up writing a check that his ass can't cash. "Noooo, I distinctly recall ignoring you actually." One thing I hate is when a mofo ask me shit in the ways of the Cowardly Lion asking the Wiz for some gatdern courage! I'm a direct Kitty. My heart don't pump no Kool aid. "Boo sit down. If you wanna know something, it behooves you to ask. Ask directly and with some balls please cuz I'ma turn ya down either way." He apologized as he should. I can't stand that shit! Don't try to be slick with your shit. You can't slick another can of oil Boo, ya just can't. Lord, where do they find these people? I have already got wind that he likes to show up a Diva's door unannounced. I'll just say this. I am NOT that kitty to do that to. You and I can already foreshadow how that can turn out. I'm just sayin'....
//signed//
The Anxious Cat's Meow

Love is NOT Lost

Love is never lost. It changes position every now and then so you would have to work harder to find it. When you do find it, you're more appreciative of it. That's what love is. ~Elvadaseleithia

     Yeah love sometimes trick us with the old switch-a-roo method or go militant & dress in camouflage. It never hides, it is never lost and it is never unsure. Those that have it, can't help but to unleash it. They can't help but to show it no matter how they much they try and tuck their little hearts under a wool sweater or iron box. Those that don't have it can't possibly show it. They may be able to fake it but like the plated gold necklace this woman is wearing in front of me, it will tarnish. The gold will eventually flake off, that metal will turn green, the external will begin to itch and the imposter will ensuingly reveal it's true colors. Oftentimes, we KNOW when love doesn't exist. Our skins starts to itch, that so called "love" begins to flake & we sense that all that is glittering aint gold. But like this lady, we love it anyway. So my question is do we really have no choice in who we love? They say when someone is "the one" we will know it. How many times have you "knew" the person you love was "the one"? How many times have we let "the one" get away because we just knew the one we were persuing was "the one" when they turned out to be "the one we shoulda let go"? I'm sure we all have thought this at least twice. If you say you haven't then you sir or ma'am could be suspected as a distorter of reality. I aint saying you're a liar or nuffin but I'm just saying.
What about the ones who try and pretend there is no love where it truly is? What do we call those people?

Sometimtes love is right in front of us but we don't see it. It has been on the tip of our noses but we failed to smell it. It sings sweet nothings in our ear but we become deaf to the melody. It's been an entree that we failed to eat because the sides were just too irresistable to pass up. Does it make its way back around again or as Langston says, does it make like a dream & dry up like a raisin in the sun? My guess is as good as yours but this one thing I know, Love is never, ever lost but it is US that is.

//signed//
The Ever-Aporetic Cat's Meow

Three Times the Charm

     As many of you know, especially if you follow me, that I am on a quest to rejuvenating my spirituality (if you don't know, read previous post then come back to this one and keep the hell up!). I am Buddhist and yes we believe in the powers of the mind and the universe contrary to Christian belief. We try not to focus on that. Too much focus on deities makes one forget about living, IMHO.

     Yesterday, on my inspirational & meditational visit to Pacific Palisades's Lake Shrine, TPTB (The Powers That Be) decided 2 visit me once again. About 15 minutes in meditation, the leader asked us to use the rest of this time to speak to TPTB from our hearts while focusing on our breathing. I began to speak. "What do YOU need me to do? How do I know it's you speaking and not me answering myself? You sent a sign telling me that you listen to me but you didn't tell me what to do. What do I do?" An assertive voice from inside proposed, "Be still."  "Ok," I say, "is that my voice I hear or is that you? I need you to appear like right now or else I'm gonna think I'm crazy! Do ya hear me?" I left it at that. Meditation ended. Though I was perplexed, I enjoyed meditation. I had not sat with an erect spine, closed eyes and in silence in a very long time. Exiting the Windmill Chapel with my SNUGGIE in tow, deep in thought & highly spirited, I run upon this sign:

What on earth is going on?! LOL Ok Universe! This is the 3rd time this has been 'yelled' to me. Ok Ok already! I looketh to the skies again from wence cometh my....answer.Now I know it wasn't me answering myself. This sign was nowhere to be found during my previous visit to the garden. I was dumbfounded. "You keep telling me to be still but what the heck do you mean? I'm not moving!" Now that I know TPTB is hearing me, maybe I should ask what is meant by "Be still". I'm not moving or at least I don't think I am but you know Heaven. Their terminology is totally different from ours. My 'still' aint their 'still' if you catch my drift. Yeah, I think you do.

//signed//

The Impatiently BEing Still Cat's Meow

The Mauna After....

So, here I am in my favorite coffee shop, Coffee Caliente, in Long Beach recapping my first mauna of my life. Yes, of my life. I was born making noise so me being in the womb doesn't count. I noticed things about myself that I have never noticed before during my inner-calm. I heard my heart beating for the 1st time in years. I did hear it break February 23rd but a beat is much more easy to hear than a break. I noticed that Starbucks really does have horrible coffee. I've learned that I am more patient then I give myself credit for. I am more aware of my surroundings. I've observed that the less I talk, the more I actively ......listen. Not that I didn't know this before but mauna observance intensifies it a bit. One great thing that really came to light for me is......it's ok to be quiet. Quiet as in 'still'...as in 'placid'....as in 'serene'. Now that's a whole different kind of quiet. I'm coming to the conclusion that there is an art to being quiet & still. It takes practice, skill, determination, and patience. What? Patience? Yeah, I just found that I have more than I thought. Weird.

I'm looking forward to my next mauna, so excited that I'm bringing someone with me. Who will it be? Will it be you? Come on, don't be scared. It's only silence.

//signed//
The More Aware Cat's Meow

It's Just Anotha Muana Monday...oh Woah

"Chatter is more out of inner restlessness."

What? Who on earth said that? Now that I think of it, there could be some sort of truth to it.

Welcome to Mauna Monday ( in my Bangles, all girl group voice). What is it you ask? Sit down & I'll give you a brief synopsis on how it came to be....to ME that is.

     While busy yelling at, being annoyed with & and having a very intimate meeting with the powers that be the other day, I was led to the observance of "Mauna". I was asking the Universe if it had heard anything I said, will it grant any wish I'd dreamed, will it assist me in assisting others and why the hell is it taking them so long to hear my cry. "What will you have me to do? You aint telling me nuffin & I'm mad about it!" I hear a tiny voice say, "BE STILL." WTF do you mean BE STILL? I continued to rant and rave, cry and snot, pace the floor & ask again. "What will you have me to do? I know I have to give a lil and take a lil but I've been giving & not getting & I really don't think you listen to me so what else you got?" I waited. No reply. A minute later I look up and ask, "Well?" Frustrated, I plopped down on the bed where my "Undreamed of Possibilities" pamphlet by Paramahansa Yogananda popped open to the beginning of the brochure. The first thing I see were the words BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM..... Chills went up my back and back down my spine. I yell, "I asked you what do you mean to by be still? I AM being still. I'm being as still as I possibly can! I can't go nowhere. I have no big bucks to do anything with. I have no damn gas in my car and if I did move I won't come back to a parking spot! What do you mean! I'm only moving when it comes to helping people on their journey & their quest for happiness but what about ME?! And if I don't move, who will? You don't seem to be!" I closed the brochure only for it to pop back open again to BE STILL. Grrrrrr... I done told you Universe I'ont know what you mean! Get it togetha! There you go, not listening AGAIN! Suddenly I hear, NO U R NOT LISTENING. I SAID BE STILL! WHY IS YOUR MOUTH MOVING? I look around. Who said that and who are you talking to? You are NOT the boss of me! Yelling as I sit, I realized that I didn't say those words to my OWNself so....
     I began to sit still. The brochure by the yogi kept looking at me all hard so I decided to pick it up. There it is again-Be Still. Alright already! For some odd reason, something brought me back to something I saw and read on my visit to Lake Shrine. That something was a picture of Saint Gandhi observing a day of silence. What? Silence? What's that? There is no such thing as silence, especially to me...the one and only. I talk all the time, even in my sleep. Quiet is boring. I can't sleep when it's quiet. There is too much to be said, too much noise to be made, too many ideas to be thought & not enough time to do it all in. I am the queen of talk, as you can plainly see. Again I hear a voice, BE STILL & BE QUIET. Ok now wait one minute! *side-eyes* Now I gotta be still AND be quiet? This is asking for a bit 2 much. Universe, you know I was made to be a mover and a shaker so why now all of a sudden you want me to move nothing & shake less? Please make up your mind! I began to think. Then I said to myself, "Self?" and myself says "Huh?" I say well what the hell are you moving and shaking? Not a damn thing. I guess I'll sit my ass down and shut ME the hell up. I began to research Mr. Almighty Gandhi and his quest for this impossible silence. Gandhi decided to make Mondays his weekly day of silence "mauna". He spoke to no one under any circumstances unless him speaking would save a life. Even the highest dignitaries that wished to speak to him on Mondays had to wait til Tuesday. LMAO! The sandaled one did NOT back down for No One! I love that. Reminds me of ....well...ME. He fasted by being quiet, being quiet got him answers. Interestingly enough, he pleads his case of silence convincingly. He said, "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.  Interesting again. Funny thing is, I knew this. I had come to the conslusion a long time ago that the body is busy, the mind is busy, the soul is busy. All three of them need their rest. A rested, peaceful and QUIET mind seems to think more clearly, logically. But wait, I can think while talking! On the contrary, is it clear thinking? NO. Back in the day when I used to meditate constantly, I noticed a lot of things while quiet. I hear my heart beat, I tasted my food, I hear the stars, my thoughts are clear-----I was  aware. Hmmmmm....

Being still and being quiet it is. When shall I do this here quiet thing? My father always said, "If you see someone you wish to portray, take them to dinner. If they pick their teeth with one toothpick, pick your's with two." Well, I can't take Gandhi to dinner but I can damn sure do what he did. I want answers so I shall be quiet.

     Today is my first day of mauna. I like it so far. I came to Starbucks, ordered my coffee and lemon loaf using a notepad and got to work. The Starbucks' clerks were a bit taken aback seeing as though I am always talking and now all of a sudden I'm using a notepad. They are still watching me as I type this. Funny. Now that I'm quiet and more aware, I now notice that they have horrible coffee. It's really not that great. I'm now convinced that Starbucks have great gimicks. That's what keeps them afloat. The coffee is NOT the bee's knees. I hear every single sound right now. I can vividly hear every conversation taking place in my silence. This is cool. The Universe's poetry is silence. Ssssshh It's talking. Lemme be still & HEAR what it has to say.

//signed//
The Silent Cat's Meow

Where Are YOU?

While driving in a hurricane there are 3 people @ the bus stop: 1 lil ole lady that is sick & will die if she doesn't get medical care now, ur bff that has saved ur life & the woman/man of ur dreams. There is only room enough in the car for one more person. Who do u take? A hypothetical question that tells where u r at n ur life.

Deriving A Plan 2 Reevalauate, Recuperate, Rejuvenate & Re....something (Part I)

     If you've read my tragedy of February 23 then you know by now that I'm currently in a Diva-is-Down situation. Lawd grant me the serenity cuz I'm still in quite a funk & mad about it. Whatever should I do? I will forever be without one of the souls that made me smile. The one that made me the perfect eggs. The only one I considered having children with and if you know me, you know I am HIGHLY allergic to children. I've gone from sad to angry to upset to denial to rejected, back to sad, anger with a twist of disappointment, confusal (I know it's not a word but follow along) & in the state of refusal. I've decided to amputate my feelings from him altogether. Why even continue with anything concerning him? Why on earth did he still want to continue to be in my lil world after all of this? I'm learning to stop trying to figure it out. It's no use. I have to learn to accept the things I can not change. People do the most stupidest things & can make the dumbest decisions known to man. It's not my job to figure it out. I may never figure it out. My job is to figure me out. Where am I going? What do I do now? Where do I go & how the hell long will it take me to get there? Can I pay for a ticket to get me there sooner?  Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I made him my whole world. U know I am MY world, just so you know so don't get the shit twisted. I just loved him in it. Whichever country or state he was in my heart, I loved him there. I know there is no changing that. Do I forgive him? Is there anything to forgive? I don't know.  He can't make his heart feel something it won't & his heart said, "Dude I ain't ready." At least I think it was his heart. Coulda been  fear. Things are not always what they seem but like I said, it aint for me to figure it out. That's his job. I can't nor did I ever try to change him. I know can & will gain the courage to change the things I can. And that change is deciding to get over it. It'll be a process. This love has been harvested love for over 10 yrs so u R gonna have to gimme a minute but it can be done. I've prayed for help. though I'm not quite sure who I prayed to but I know they heard me cuz I asked for a sign from whatever entity that heard me. That sign came in my pink lighted tweezers.

Now the flashlight on these things have not worked in 3 years! I've beat them, threw them, bought them new batteries and everything and the light never lit again until the night of 25 February when I *gulp* prayed. I came home to naturally cry again at almost midnight when I saw a lil light on in my bathroom. I thought maybe it was my salt lamp but no. This light was tiny as hell. Then I thought maybe I left something plugged up for charging. Nope. WTH is it then? Not my makeup, not the neighbors light from next door & definitely not my toothbrush. I turned the light off 2 follow the light. It was my damn tweezers! Ok now who's fucking with me? These things ain't worked in years and I didn't think to inspect them for that very reason. I look to the "heavens from which cometh my help" as they say. Are yall fucking with me? I tried to turn them off and turn them back on. The turn off was successful, the turn on...not so much. I unscrewed the part that held the battery. No damn battery to speak of. R u serious? Is this my sign? Who heard me? What part did they hear? Lord did u hear the whole prayer or just some of it? Ut oh, if u heard it all then u heard my profanity too huh? Well you know my heart.

     Now to figure out what I need to figure out. They say one step to getting over a broken heart is to let it out. Talk about it. Check. I'm doing that already. Then they said to cry. Don't be afraid to cry. If u know me then u know I ain't scured to cry. I wish I was. As a matter of fact, I've cried so much that I ran outta tears. I guess that's why the angels cried for 3 days after that. They took over for me so check crying off the list. What next? How I wish there were an outline for situations such as these. I guess I'll make my own. This is why this will be continued.

//signed//

The Wandering Cat's Meow