Honey Can You Get That? No, I Got It

     Some days ago while in deep conversation with my friend, he utters the words, "Men have to feel wanted. You don't allow this to happen. This is maybe why they don't stick around." As offended as I was, it was a rather interesting statement. Was he right? Perhaps but merely in words not in concept. He went on to lovingly tell me how he felt about independent women. Some, he feels, are too independent and feel they don't need a man but in my opinion there is no such things as too independent. But I digress, maybe it is but in the defense of all "too independent" women out there, we have a reason to be. Some of us have grown accustomed to autonomy and conditioned to sovereignty through being single--for a very long time. I am one of those women. I have been in relationships and in some of those I was the primary doer. Hell, you may as well say I dated my damn self. My fault! I was the one that's done the most & said the most; gave the most & loved the most. Not in all of them but fairly the majority of them. When was my last relationship? Lets just say that I've seen more presidents in my single life than I have when I was boo'd up. Real talk and smh. Being single that long has positive and negative effects on you when it comes to dependency. Positively, you learn to depend on self, rely on self, do for self & be for self. Did I mention DO for self? Negatively, you learn to do for self, rely on self, do for self & be for self. Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I remember telling you about the guy that cut off our lil relationship (or lack thereof) because I didn't call him to help with the battery in my car or the other dude that dismissed me because I took MYSELF out for some steak and wine. I'm accustomed to doing for ME. It's not that I didn't trust them with my car or my hunger pangs. I am just used to feeding my belly and tending to my own vehicle. I did not think twice about calling either dude to satisfy my needs. This is how a lot of us (women) are. It's something we've grown used to, especially black women. We go MOST of our lives single these days. I'm not blaming anyone and I am by no means male bashing. For whatever reason we are single, we are single. There are somethings we can do about it and somethings we can't so we 'make-do' with self.  It's not to offend you. It's not that we feel you are not good enough to help us. It's not that we don't trust you will do what you say you will. It's not that we believe we don't need you. Do not continue to believe this bullshit. We do not do this to hurt you, offend you or shoo you off I assure you. A lot of times we are not conscious of this. Bring it to our attention. Don't expect us to rectify the problem over night, mind you, but if we wish for you to be in our life we will be receptive, adjust and move forward. Don't just up and jet b/c we are not making you feel "wanted". You can't expect me to gas my car by myself for ten years and then all of a sudden expect you to get out and do it if you're in my car. Its NOT on purpose. I am just used to opening my own door, planting my stilettos in the pavement, prancing to the gas vestibule and pumping my own shit. I'm not doing it with the attitude of "This negro ain't even get out the car to pump my shit" and I'm not doing it with the attitude of "I don't need him to do the shit I can do" or "I can pump better and/or faster then him anyway". My independence lacks vulnerability at the moment. Have a little patience and faith in us why don't you. I am not speaking for ALL women of course b/c you do have those co-dependent ones that won't even pick up a fork and feed themselves or screw in their own light bulb. Nah, I am not speaking for them. They are on their own.

Yeah I know what some of you maybe saying. "Let a man be a man" right? WRONG! That is one of the most dumbest pieces of advice known to--well, man! I can't possibly prohibit someone from doing what should be natural to him. Being a man should come as natural as using the bathroom. You can attempt to hold it all you want but when ya willie wants to blow, it will blow--naturally. Being a man should not be second nature but first nature.

I am not making excuses for us independent women but I felt the need to explain OUR side of the story. Things are not always what they seem. Independence knows no vulnerability-or does it? I guess there has to be a balance. The issue is finding when and where to tip the scale. WE can't do everything alone, we can only attempt to. We relish in the idea of being superwoman but that's an idea. We can be hard as platinum but its not to slight you. We break too but we are real. So, when I fall, please feel free to catch me anytime. I maybe a lil reluctant to be rescued at first but later, I'll be glad you saved my stilettos :)


//signed//
The Cat's Purr

The “Real dishes break. That's how you know they're real.”
― Marty Rubin

Conditional Acceptance

For some strange reason people ‘love’ to consider themselves a person that can and will accept anyone for who they are. Truth be told, the majority of them are not being honest with themselves.  I can’t count the many times I’ve experienced or have known someone to experience an intruder. An intruder, to me, is a person who wants to change something about you that makes you that unique individual that has something different to contribute to society. These interlopers want to burglarize your feelings, intrude on your emotions, infiltrate your beliefs, obstruct your truths & violate your damn shoe closet! It’s always that, “I love everything about you. I just wish you were___” or there’s the “I do accept and adore you as a person. I just pray that you___”. Then there is the “You’re everything that I want in a mate/friend/lover. But we can’t be that if you continue to___.” I want to know one thing. What the hell happened to accepting a mofo for who they are? Hell, forget love, whatever happened to ‘unconditional like’? It’s sad to believe that a person only accepts you only if you don’t accept you. Shit I accept me. I suggest you do the same!

Case #1(named changed to protect the ignorant)

I meet Kynan over a year ago. He approached me with, “Ms Lady, you are too sweet for words and you are working that hair mama!” (those who really knows me knows that I hate being called that but I won’t shoo him off for something that is evidently in his personality so I overlook it) Anyway, I obliged him with a lil convo, a few sips of coffee and eventually ‘the digits’. The brotha appeared to have a lil something going on, a lil sense even, his personality was very tolerable and I must admit that he was quite pleasurable to the eye so I was cool.  After about a month of tag teaming tongues and surface scratching, he decided he wanted to take it a lil further with me. “Perhaps this is good”, I thought. NEGATIVE!

His ass: I cannot see how any man has not captured your heart and saved you for himself yet. This is so hard to believe. You have a good head on your shoulders,  a beautiful spirit to make that lovely face, a personality to die for and we won’t even talk about the kitchen skills! So since those dumb brothas don’t know a good woman from a hole in the wall, I’ma step out on a limb & attempt to make you my own. (cue in Sunshine Anderson’s only hit)

 Me: Hmmm..sounds considerable.  We can ponder on this a bit. 

So things were going pretty good until one day he asked if I ever considered growing my hair out. *side eye* Me: Umm no. I’m actually on my way to get a haircut as we speak. A hush came over the room…or should I say the phone. I attempted to pick up the conversation when he cut me off with a, “Why?” Now I say to myself, “Now self? And myself said, “Huh? —Why do I need to explain to HIM why I don’t wanna grow MY hair out? Last time I checked I was an adult. Did something change?” Myself answered with a “Bish NO!” So I gave him the answer that myself gave me. He didn’t like that answer. Him: So you mean if you was my girl you wouldn’t grow your hair out for me?

Me: 1^st I’m not a girl Sweetcheeks. I’m a woman. 2ndly, why would you want me to grow my hair out?

Him: Cuz I love long hair and that’s really all I’ll accept. (how cute of him)

Me: Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but I won’t be growing my hair out. I’m me with or without long hair. Last time I checked, the hair never made the person and lastly Boo, when you met me my hair was this length and its one of the first things you complimented so what happened?

Him: So, I take that as you won’t grow it out? (Is it me or is he hard of hearing?)

 Anyway, to make a long hair or story short, his ass went about his merry lil way citing that we didn’t have the same interest and that he was interested in creating something with me but I was interested in myself. LMAO Naw dude you were interested in my hair, not ME!! Press Bitch!

Case #2 (again, name changed to protect him cuz he doesn't know any better)

Ok so it’s been a while since I’ve ‘felt’ a male companion. I mean felt as in think of him as much as I think of shoes or food, wonders what he's doing a lot and so forth. Ya know…like really feeling a person? Don’t act all brand new, you know what I mean! Anywho, I’d recently built a wall. That wall is not to keep anyone out but merely to see who has the balls to climb over it. We all have to do this at one point. So anyway, I came across “Donovan” (I love this name). Our first date included a self-debate on religion. I say self debate cuz it was something that was near and dear to HIM, not me so he was primarily tryna convince HIMSELF that his belief reign supreme. lmao yeah ok...don't we all. He's Christian. I'm not. It’s not that I don't believe in a higher being or beings but I feel like it's a belief and no one should be trynaOk so back to our regularly scheduled programming. Now normally I woulda left his ass right there at the damn table. I don't debate with people I barely know. I've got bigger fish to fry. But for some reason I stayed seated, munched my Italian side salad & listened to this guy ‘judge’ me. Again, how cute.  As time went on, I spent a little time with him & again for some reason I really ENJOYED this dude. I normally only enjoy time with…well…me and there are things about him that I definitely wouldn’t tolerate from any other person but him….interesting…..hmm. Now if you know me, you know I think a lot and analyze e’thang. Part of me said to stick with it but the other part of me said to be like horny & delusional dude and pull out. I listened to the latter part of me. Am I a punk? Nah Honey, my heart does NOT pump kool aid but I am definitely keep’n it guarded. I’ve learned my damn lesson. Needless to say, he resurfaced. It kinda made me feel really special. Pick up where we left off? Perhaps

Fastforward: He’s been out of the country briefly and we communicate more than a few times a week. I was feeling good, thinking of him, planning events for his return….ya know the whole 5 yards (not the whole 9 cuz I’m not completely convinced yet). I woke up one morning, preparing to talk to him, send him pics, tell him how my day was and etc. And as soon as I begun to feel the mushiness inside he throws the “why are you not Christian” again. SMDH Lawd why me?! This was just 2 damn good 2 be friggin true! He obviously did not get the memo or his ass didn’t read it to its entirety the first time. I will not go here with him again. I don’t juggle my beliefs nor do I try to justify or explain them. They are mine alone!

My answer: I feel that religion separates people and have them focusing on things that they really have no knowledge of the outcome. People miss out on blessings due to religion sometimes.

I let him say his piece as usual and get all his ‘truths’ out on the table. I didn’t argue with him or become confrontational. I am no longer a little girl. I will not fight over something that no one has control of. To make a long story short, he too says I’m what he wants in a mate and he even mentioned the marriage word but…..yes, again, there was a “but”. How did you know? LOL He went on to tell me how the Bible says that relationships are supposed to be equally yoked. Funny. I thought it referred to marriages being equally yoked but you know how some Christians are; they only give you half of the scripture or the edited-judgemental version.

 

My response: Marriages fail everyday b/w people that are equally yoked. (He should know that from personal experience & I'll leave it at that)

  
 He continues to plead his case I guess. Then I pretty much told him that he can discontinue having me in his life if he chooses and for him to find that equally yoked partner. I’ve learned that things like this foster negative energy, bad emotions & waste time; time that I don’t have. Well, I do have the time but I refuse to waste it on something as nonsensical as this. I'd rather get to loving. If he wishes to compromise his happiness than who am I to stand in his way eh? It's his happiness--not mine. I no longer attempt to influence anyone to keep ME around. I am worth it. If ya don’t see that than kick rocks in flip flops shawty. Your loss! He wanted to remain friends. I was reluctant but we’ll see.  Is he still around? Yes. Do I still see him in the same capacity as I did previously? Let’s just say that I’ve added  another brick to my wall. If he dares to climb over it then I say ,"Buddy, take your best shot and good luck.!" I admire his passion for his belief but homie I will not compromise myself for you or anyone else!

Why do we insist on risking our happiness for conditional acceptance? It’s that “I’ll only accept you if you do this, say that or be this” attitude. Who would even want to be with someone that sways with the blowing of the wind? Why surround yourself with a person with a feeble mind and will do anything to get accepted? It doesn’t remotely make sense to me. It’s like changing a person. If you change a person’s whole makeup into something you wish for them to become then will this be the same person you fell in love or strong ‘like’ with? Most likely not! I was sure to tell “Donovan” that I accepted him any way he is regardless if he sometimes appears to be off his rocker. SMDH I still smile when he calls, blushes when he says he misses me & think of him every now and again. I do all of this from behind my wall of course.

//signed//
The FIXED Cat’s Meow

If I lessen who I am because of you and compromise myself to keep you then I’m not being who I am for you. That means I can’t be who I really am with you and baby that just ain’t me.  ~elvadaseleithia