Some days ago while in deep conversation with my friend, he utters the words, "Men have to feel wanted. You don't allow this to happen. This is maybe why they don't stick around." As offended as I was, it was a rather interesting statement. Was he right? Perhaps but merely in words not in concept. He went on to lovingly tell me how he felt about independent women. Some, he feels, are too independent and feel they don't need a man but in my opinion there is no such things as too independent. But I digress, maybe it is but in the defense of all "too independent" women out there, we have a reason to be. Some of us have grown accustomed to autonomy and conditioned to sovereignty through being single--for a very long time. I am one of those women. I have been in relationships and in some of those I was the primary doer. Hell, you may as well say I dated my damn self. My fault! I was the one that's done the most & said the most; gave the most & loved the most. Not in all of them but fairly the majority of them. When was my last relationship? Lets just say that I've seen more presidents in my single life than I have when I was boo'd up. Real talk and smh. Being single that long has positive and negative effects on you when it comes to dependency. Positively, you learn to depend on self, rely on self, do for self & be for self. Did I mention DO for self? Negatively, you learn to do for self, rely on self, do for self & be for self. Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
I remember telling you about the guy that cut off our lil relationship (or lack thereof) because I didn't call him to help with the battery in my car or the other dude that dismissed me because I took MYSELF out for some steak and wine. I'm accustomed to doing for ME. It's not that I didn't trust them with my car or my hunger pangs. I am just used to feeding my belly and tending to my own vehicle. I did not think twice about calling either dude to satisfy my needs. This is how a lot of us (women) are. It's something we've grown used to, especially black women. We go MOST of our lives single these days. I'm not blaming anyone and I am by no means male bashing. For whatever reason we are single, we are single. There are somethings we can do about it and somethings we can't so we 'make-do' with self. It's not to offend you. It's not that we feel you are not good enough to help us. It's not that we don't trust you will do what you say you will. It's not that we believe we don't need you. Do not continue to believe this bullshit. We do not do this to hurt you, offend you or shoo you off I assure you. A lot of times we are not conscious of this. Bring it to our attention. Don't expect us to rectify the problem over night, mind you, but if we wish for you to be in our life we will be receptive, adjust and move forward. Don't just up and jet b/c we are not making you feel "wanted". You can't expect me to gas my car by myself for ten years and then all of a sudden expect you to get out and do it if you're in my car. Its NOT on purpose. I am just used to opening my own door, planting my stilettos in the pavement, prancing to the gas vestibule and pumping my own shit. I'm not doing it with the attitude of "This negro ain't even get out the car to pump my shit" and I'm not doing it with the attitude of "I don't need him to do the shit I can do" or "I can pump better and/or faster then him anyway". My independence lacks vulnerability at the moment. Have a little patience and faith in us why don't you. I am not speaking for ALL women of course b/c you do have those co-dependent ones that won't even pick up a fork and feed themselves or screw in their own light bulb. Nah, I am not speaking for them. They are on their own.
Yeah I know what some of you maybe saying. "Let a man be a man" right? WRONG! That is one of the most dumbest pieces of advice known to--well, man! I can't possibly prohibit someone from doing what should be natural to him. Being a man should come as natural as using the bathroom. You can attempt to hold it all you want but when ya willie wants to blow, it will blow--naturally. Being a man should not be second nature but first nature. I am not making excuses for us independent women but I felt the need to explain OUR side of the story. Things are not always what they seem. Independence knows no vulnerability-or does it? I guess there has to be a balance. The issue is finding when and where to tip the scale. WE can't do everything alone, we can only attempt to. We relish in the idea of being superwoman but that's an idea. We can be hard as platinum but its not to slight you. We break too but we are real. So, when I fall, please feel free to catch me anytime. I maybe a lil reluctant to be rescued at first but later, I'll be glad you saved my stilettos :)
//signed//
The Cat's Purr
The “Real dishes break. That's how you know they're real.”
― Marty Rubin
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